I think my learned coping mechanisms are maladapt. After a week of hell, hating the fact of waking each morning because of what lays ahead, dreading going to sleep at night because I know I'll wake up, not sleeping well from dreams of showing up to clinicals with blank process papers and no recall of my assigned meds, and the constant banter of my fiance telling me the same thing over and over, "oh you'll be fine, you always do fine," all I want to do is go out one night and drink until I forget. See, coping mechanisms that worked in high school, worked in my young adult phase, but aren't working so well anymore. I realize this, I just need to come up with some new ones.
At least I have a little insight.
Sometimes I miss a lot of people that aren't in my life anymore. I miss my best friend Michelle. She'll always be my best friend, even though we don't talk anymore. Before she was taken over by her mental illness and drug/alcohol addiction to the point were I could no longer help her anymore, she was that one friend of a lifetime. That friend that you wouldn't have to speak a word to, you could have a conversation with from across the room just by looking at each other. That one friend who always told you if you looked fat in an outfit, but really could care less if you were. Just that one person that truly got you, the real you, and all of you.
I missed my friend Sarah who passed away two years ago. She still visits me in dreams, and I like to think there is more to that than there maybe is.
I miss my ex John. I miss how much he loved me and how much I loved him. It was my choice to end the relationship for the mere fact that I wanted to date other people. I know that it was the right thing for me at the time, but I have a feeling it will always be something that I will regret in the back of my mind. I came across some letters that he wrote me, and I couldn't stop crying. Things are different now, and he has a baby with someone who won't let him talk to me. I don't blame her one bit. He also visits me at night in my dreams, and I wake up in the morning and can't get him out of my head. He was that one ex, the one that we will both always wonder about what if.